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lisa marie corley | greenville, sc

Month

January 2008

Random confessions

I’m blogging right now in a distinct effort to procrastinate. I hate house cleaning. And by “hate,” I mean loathe. Detest. Despise. Abhor.

A friend introduced me to clementines last year. I can’t eat one without singing the tune in my head: “oh, m’dar-lin’, oh m’dar-lin’, oh m’daaaaaar-lin’ Clementine…”

Sometimes I imagine that another person has transmigrated into my head, and can see and hear everything that I see and hear. They can’t access my thoughts, though, so they are constantly wondering what the hell I’m doing.

An amusing thing about having a baby would be that you could legitimately call the father a mother fucker.

I worry that my cats are bored and are not living the happy, carefree cat-life they could be living elsewhere.

The most vivid dream I ever had was an end-of-the-world scenario involving King Kong and a traffic jam. I think I was in college at the time. In the dream, I was riding in the car with my mom along a major interstate when we come upon a huge standstill — no traffic is moving as far as we can see, and people are getting out of their cars, wondering what is wrong. On the radio, we hear an announcement: “Well, this is IT, folks — the end of the world! Get ready. Here it comes. Prepare yourself NOW!” Suddenly, we see a 60-foot-tall, very angry gorilla-monster stand up from behind a bridge, and he’s roaring and grabbing every person within reach and eating their heads. Yikes! I woke up in a sweat, convinced that the END was imminent. Took me several minutes to shake the fear. Weird, man. It was crystal-clear real.

The most sexually amusing dream I ever had was last year. I was on the official US Olympic sex team. There were 10 or so of us, women and men, and we were all strung from the masts of a sailboat so that fans could watch from the shore. Oddly enough, we were dressed — in long-sleeved pro-cycling-like gear, but with “appropriate” holes for easy access. Ha!

My favorite republican presidential candidate is McCain. This is partly due to process of elimination because Mitt Romney and Ron Paul both have exhibited slacker-design-student typography in their signage. Romney’s small caps are not “true,” which is a pet peeve of mine, and Paul’s kerning is so bad it’s offensive.

I can’t pinpoint my favorite democratic candidate. I thought I had a pretty good idea until Clinton and Obama acted like spoiled playground bullies in their Charleston, SC, debate. John Edwards began looking a lot better after that.

I’m DVR-ing VH1’s “Celebrity Rehab” nowadays, and am trying not to be ashamed of myself for my fascination with the show. Remember the handsome guy from “Taxi” with the lion’s-mane blondish hair? Today he is a pathetic, empty shell of a man who was a train wreck in BETTER days. He’s in a wheel chair all the time, and acts like a person who’s had a severe blow to the head. I feel bad for what he’s going through, but….well, he did bring it on himself. I hope he gets it together.

Hmmmmm, my confessions are getting progressively more serious, so it’s time to get off my couch and clean. What a bummer of a buzz kill, man.

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Mini pleasure moment

This morning I carried my laptop and its charger/power adapter inside my soft-sided brief case. As a result, there was some heft to the load swinging from my left shoulder, and the charger made a hard little lump on the side. As I walked from my car into the office, this hard little lump was repeatedly propelled against my left glute — at JUST the perfect angle and momentum to “massage” the spot that was sore from my Sunday afternoon workout.

Ahhhhhhhhhh…..

Blogging as a way of being

What should I blog about when I don’t know what to blog about?

I’m trying to stay committed to this fun little creative experiment. Truly, I am. I know that creativity begets creativity. I know that it is a discipline as much as it is an intuition. I want it to be a way of life for me, a way of being in the universe.

That’s a bit lofty for a blog, huh? I meant creativity as a way of being. Not blogging. Although “Blogging as a way of being” sounds like a great post title. I think I’ll use it.

sigh …

Hoping I’d find some inspiration — or, at the very least, a little amusement — I googled “weird blog topics.” Right off the bat, I found a guy who goes into excruciating detail about what he eats each day and how the meals were prepared. Geesh. And I mean freakin’ geesh.

I almost stopped there in favor of browsing wistfully through unfound geocaches in my area, but I thought the search deserved more than just one shot, so I kept going……and actually found some interesting blogs.

Reality Banned
A dude named Mikster (“Nobody blogs you like I blog you”) posts every few days or so, and has written recently about things like showering, the time he was hit hardest in the balls, and things he would never, ever do in a million years. I haven’t read the entries in their entirety — he writes quite a LOT — but what I did read was pretty darn chuckles-inducing.

Vonnegut’s Asshole
This guy’s name is Eric, and he is a real, honest-to-goodness writer. Makes a living selling words that come out of his own head — he’s written entire books, and his articles have appeared in publications you would actually recognize. His most recent posts are inspired by visits with family over the holidays, and in a November post he talks about a publication he guest-edited called Monkeybicycle. His writing amuses me greatly (yet again, though, I just skimmed)…..but if I were to be completely honest, I’d admit that this blog made my list because of its name. Vonnegut’s Asshole! Ha!

Pretty Dumb Things
This is a chick named Chelsea who is also a professional writer — for the likes of Penthouse. Her site is not pornographic (although some of the ads along the sides are….um, interesting), but neither does she mince words. I like her. I totally (welllll, mostly) agree with her Jan 15th post about romance. I’m looking forward to reading more of her archives on a lazy, rainy weekend afternoon. Whilst sipping highend coffee, my cats slumbering contentedly at my side. Ahhhhhhhhh.

Kittenpants
Ha! Another name which amuses me, and the logo is quite fabulously fabulous! You can also buy Kittenpants merchandise, including — of course — Kittenpants underpants. For a nanosecond I considered buying a poster or two for my office at work, but…..I think I should avoid the controversy. The writing on the site? Um, I didn’t actually read any of it, but it looks like it’d be good.

Offended Blogger
Chelle B’s latest post of Jan 15th talks about how her husband goes completely insane once a month, and has the insolent nerve to try and blame it on her. On Jan 6th, she shares concerns about “disturbing changes happening to the melanocytic naevus on [her husband’s] left ass cheek.” Ha! Laugh-out-loud funny stuff. But the post which most struck a chord with me was Jan 3rd…..you can scroll down to a grown-up picture of her cat, Mister Schmoopy Doopey — who looks just like my supersweet kitty Ozzy — who is peering angrily into the camera, saying “You are paying them to do what to my balls?!?”

Toward the end of my browsing adventures, I found a compilation site which I am definitely going to bookmark: humor-blogs.com. Am hoping for future inspiration.

Ten things I learned in 2007

1. Humans can suck in their ribs.
2. It is possible to change your life, no matter what type of “trap” you think you’re in.
3. Creativity must be nurtured — use it or lose it, baby.
4. Honeycrisp apples are freakin’ yummy.
5. Asian pears are freakin’ orgasmic.
6. Some male cats can get an infection which will cause a nipple to grow spoogy and fall off.
7. Some male humans are preoccupied with the notion of ass hair.
8. In the gym, a beneficial skill is an ability to tell your own body to just shut up and put out.
9. Intellectually, you may know that being a workaholic will get you nowhere at lightspeed….but you are still a hopeless case until you are able to force yourself away from your desk to go outside and play. On a regular basis. In a guilt-free manner.
10. Asparagus can be pretty tasty, especially when prepared with kickin’ hot spices.

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