Me: “I need another diversion.”
A: “Buy an outfit and fight crime.”
Me: “Did you say ‘fight crime’?”
Me: “And did you say ‘buy an outfit’?
Me: “What sort of outfit would I need to fight crime?”
A: “A superhero outfit.”
Me: “Ohhhhh, I see. What could be my superhero name?”
A: “I don’t know. I’m sure you could think of a good one.”
Me: “What sort of crime could I fight? How about laziness?”
A: “No, that’s not a good one. I like to be lazy.”
Me: “Yeah, me too. Hmmmmm…..”
A: “Hey, I know. Redneckery.”
Me: [ giggle ]
A: “You could go into a restaurant and say, ‘Hey YOU, wearing the camo tank top! You’re outa here, buddy!'”
Me: [ belly laugh ]
A: “And… ‘Hey YOU with the mullet! There’s the door!'”
Me: [ snort-laugh ] “And after I kicked them out, everyone left in the place would stand up and cheer. I WOULD be their hero!”
Later, inside my head
That conversation with A would make a good blog post.
I really should come up with a good superhero name, though, before I write it.
I’m not feeling that creative right now, unfortunately.
Plus….something else isn’t quite right.
Redneckery is petty darn funny, but might there be a more appropriate crime to fight?
Something more unique to me?
What type of crime or disservice would I be qualified to combat?
What am I good at?
Well. There’s innuendo.
But how could I fight innuendo?
Why would I want to, anyway? It’s funny.
I mean, it’s hard to beat a good “bigger is better” statement in the middle of a staff meeting.
Or during cycling class: “By the time you leave here, you’ll be limp and spent.”
Or after cycling class: “Yeah, I know it was hard, but let’s be honest — it wasn’t long.”
Or when talking to a friend about shopping: “I really love BJ’s.”
Or when talking about toys at work: “Hey, why don’t you bring your balls to our meetings?”
I wonder if it is technically innuendo when it’s truly an innocent statement.
I’ll have to look that up sometime.
I could be onto something.
That could be my superhero spin.
I could defend the innocent people in the world who spout innuendo without meaning to.
I can jump in and kick the butts of the mean people who laugh at them and make them feel bad.
Who better than me?
Since I am a queen of deliberate innuendo, I’d be able to recognize accidental innuendo immediately.
I could come to the rescue with superhero speed, yeah!
[ knock knock ]
[ knock knock ]
Is that someone else in my head? Who are you?
[ I’m your conscience, Lisa. ]
Geesh, what do YOU want?
[ You realize, don’t you, that you’ve laughed at these people yourself since 1978? ]
I wasn’t laughing at them. I was laughing with them. There’s a difference.
[ Explain that difference. ]
Well…..I’m not mean about it like some people are.
[ Lisa, you should examine your…. ]
Oh, shut up.
[ Lisa…. ]
Go away. There’s a box of donuts over there in the corner.
Subsequent e-mail chain
Me, to X and Y: If I were a superhero, what would be my name?
Me: Actually, allow me refine the question: If I were a superhero who fought crime in the form of accidental innuendo, what would be my name?
Y: In Your End, Oh!
Me: I am falling out of my chair, ha! I’d hate to see what my outfit would look like.
Me: If I fall out of my chair again, I’ll need to go to the doctor for a coccyx exam.
Y: Hil Hairy-Ass
Me: OK, I’m going to have to leave work early. I hope Dr. Long can fit me in.
X: Is she Richard Long’s sister, Anita S. Long?
Me: I am hyperventilating in my office! The trash dude just came in and now he thinks I am insane.
X: Is her practice on Grove Road, next to the Wang & Hung practice?
Me: I thought she practices with Dr. Hardenfast.
X: Oh, that’s right… and Sly Downhum.
Y: And triplets Lou, Bree and Kate.
X: Aren’t those Dr. Jellifinger’s kids?
Y: Ho, ho. That’s what happened when the rubber didn’t meat those who were rode.
Me: Hey, did you hear that Dr. Jellifinger divorced his wife to marry acupuncturist Sum Pun Tang?
X: Did you know that she’s the sister of the Asian porn star Ty Twat?
Y: Who happens to be allergic to kumquats and baloney ponies.