Morning coffee-pot chitchat
Me: “Last night I posted to my blog. Twenty things to do instead of preparing my taxes.”
S: “Oh, my list would be way longer than that.”
Me: “Eh. I wasn’t feeling very prolific.”
S: “So what was on your list?”
Me: “One thing was googling other people’s perversions. But I hit a road block when I couldn’t remember the name of that thing you described to me.”
B, just walking in: “Hey guys, what’s up?”
S: “You mean the thing about the goat?”
Me: “No, the thing about bald heads and surgical alterations.”
S: “Ohhhhhhhh, yes, I remember.”
B: “What are y’all talking about?”
S: “Well. A coworker told me years ago about something that a friend of hers was into.”
Me, gasping: “You mean you actually KNOW someone who does that??”
S: “My friend wasn’t into it. She said she knew someone.”
Me: “But still. Someone actually knows someone. Wow.”
S: “Yeah. Wow.”
B: “Come on, TELL me.”
S: “Well. Apparently there are men out there who lube up their bald heads to stick ’em into someone else’s anal cavity.”
Me: “And there are other men who have surgery…”
S: “Yeah, they get their anus snipped so the heads can fit.”
B, horrified: “Ewwwwwwwww!”
S, laughing: “Ever since I heard that, I haven’t been able to look at a bald man without having that picture come up in my head. I’d think about standing near him and saying, ‘hey, dude…do you smell ass?'”
B: “Or…’Is that chocolate on your head?'”
S: “‘Let me get you a tissue.'”
Me: [ welling up with laughter-tears ] “Yuck! What a place to have skid marks.”
S: “I think it’s called felching.”
B: “So what started this whole conversation?”
Me: “I was telling S that I’d rather google other people’s perversions than do my taxes. You see, in my younger days, back when the internet was becoming ‘the thing,’ it was a mission of mine to find the most perverted website out there. Fascinating stuff.”
B: “Well. Everyone needs a hobby.”
Me: “The winning site for a long time was one on which people posted pictures of things they’d done to their penises. Some guys cut themselves with razors.”
S: “Razors? What did they do?”
Me: “I’m sure I told you this before. There’s no way I never told you about this.”
S: “No, you haven’t. Trust me, I’d remember.”
Me: “Well, one guy posted pictures and described the process in detail. He’d sliced himself in half.”
S: “What? You mean he had two schlongs?”
Me: “Yeah, it took him about a year. Each day, he’d slice a tiny bit more until it made two.”
B: “Oh my God. Did he pee out of only one side?”
S: “Yeah, how did it….um, work afterward?”
Me: “I don’t know, he only described the slicing process.”

Nothing ends a conversation quicker than a VP walking in to grab some coffee.

Research results
Later, I get an e-mail from S entitled “Various internet answers.” There’s nothing about heads and snipping, so we need to do some additional research, obviously, to get our terminology straight.

Felching is a sexual practice in which semen is sucked out of another person’s vagina or anus (with or without a straw), or out of a condom. The individual sucking the semen may swallow it or pass it, mouth to mouth, to a partner. The colloquial term for the latter act is snowballing.
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Inserting a hollow tube up your anus and letting a live hamster go up into ones arse.
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When semen is sucked out of another persons anus.
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Felching is a sexual practice in which semen is sucked out of another person’s vagina or asshole after a vaginal or ass cream pie. The semen is fresh and usually it is the man doing the sucking, though this is not always the case. It can then be passed to another person during the act of kissing and then swallowed. This act is commonly known as “snowballing,” or the lesser known “squeegeeing.”

“Hi, my name is Lisa, and I’m addicted to shock-blogging”
Goodness. I admit I’ve always gotten a giggle out of saying things that make people stare at me in “oh-my-God-I-cannot-believe-that-came-out-of-your-mouth” horror. But lately, my happy little ever-so-slightly-naughty blog has taken more of a downward slope than I ever intended. I should probably balance it with more talk of puppies, kittens, moonbeams, daisies, babies, and sunshine.

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