Just a casual conversation
Back in February when a good friend launched her own blog, it was a pleasant, warmfuzzy surprise to find a link to magicalmonkey on her home page. She’d said something really sweet like “My friend Lisa is deranged, but that’s why I love her….her blog keeps me laughing.”

Awwwwww, see what I mean? I told you it was sweet.

Then over some yummy lunch sushi this week, she told me she’d removed the link. “Are you insane?” she laughed. “My whole family reads my blog. I can’t have them clicking on magicalmonkey and finding…that……”

She didn’t finish her sentence, but I know what she meant. And you know what she meant. We had a hearty giggle and went on to another topic. Later, I checked out her latest post (she finished a 10K…I am beside myself, I’m so impressed!) and these were the first two sentences I read: “Not long ago, my friend Lisa debated the merits of becoming a superhero. I was going to put in a link to her blog, but it is not remotely safe for work or general decency, so you’ll have to find it on your own.”

I laughed. But, my brain already abuzz with near-regrets about the blatant filth in my last post, I also started to ponder.

Have I crossed the line?
You know, I’m well aware of my own tendencies to push taboo-buttons. Among my favorites are chuckling at inappropriate humor, mentioning society’s unmentionables, and questioning general groupthink assumptions of the status quo. While I like this part of my personality and certainly make no apologies for it, I have no desire to truly, truly offend. I think people should be free to create any world they want for themselves — even a rose-colored one — and, as long as they don’t try to detrimentally impose their world on me or unwilling others, they should be allowed to live within it blissfully.

Now, that doesn’t mean I’d never good-naturedly share an idea or two for consideration. :) But to gratuitously offend someone? No. I’m not about that.

When magicalmonkey was born, I knew that some dicey topics would be in its future. So I promised myself a few things: I’d control who received the link, I’d balance the taboo with the not-so-taboo, and I’d take care not to “cross the line.” Well, it’s almost a year later, and of course not one of these has evolved as I’d planned.

I knew the link thing would be out of my hands to a degree, but I guess I just pictured only 4 or 5 of you out there, all people who know me well in the non-virtual universe. Even at my worst, you’d just be chuckling, “tsk-tsk-ing” to yourselves, shaking your heads, and muttering “there she goes again.” But lately I’ve begun to develop a picture in my head containing another category of people — those of you who, although we may have met, your main impression of me is magicalmonkey. That bothers me a little because I fear that the raunchy, edgy, nonconformist part of me — and it is only a part — has found a happy, inviting outlet in this blog. In fact, in the last month or so it’s almost completely taken over. There’s been no balance.

So now I find myself wondering all sorts of uncomfortable things. Should I go back and delete offending posts? Should I make — force, if necessary — an effort to achieve balance? Should I shorten the taboo-leash? Take the blog in another direction entirely? Start another blog? Retire this one? Throw caution to the wind and delve even deeper into my scary parts? Stop blogging altogether?

Sigh.

My gut
You know, I don’t really want to change magicalmonkey, despite my slight melancholy that it’s too inappropriate to be shared with the “respectable” crowd. And, believe me, I do understand — completely, I understand. My own family knows nothing of my blog, and I’ve sheltered some old friends from it, too. I hate that I still wear masks, but I can’t get rid of them. I guess no one can.

Ultimately, this is a space where my creativity roams, and I do not, not, not want boundaries on that. My quandary, I suppose, is whether my own personal journey-without-boundaries should be public.

My gut is also wondering if I’m getting WAY too philosophical about a tiny little inconsequential blog. It is wondering if I’m just subconsciously delaying the doing-my-taxes ordeal.

Dammit. I guess I better go.

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