Search

lisa marie corley | greenville, sc

Month

August 2008

The fetal position, molasses, and temporary insanity

E-mails, e-mails. You never know which direction they’ll turn….
X: Did you get a chance to see?
Me: Only a glance. I continued my trek to the bathroom and assumed the fetal position in the back stall.
X: Did you suck your thumb?
Me: Yeah. I wanted to suck my balls, but after fumbling around for a few minutes I remembered I don’t have any.
X: The bad thing about balls and the fetal position on the bathroom floor is that they (the balls) usually stick to the cold tile. Sucks!
Me: Do they have to be recently sucked in order for them to stick?
X: Oh no… They’re usually sooo sweaty that they have the necessary moisture to stick to almost anything.
Me: How interesting. Would they stick to a banana?
X: They’d consume it! Especially with it’s “blob-like” features during a thumb sucking moment like that… It’s all body temp.
Me: Yikes, they’d consume the banana? Peeling and all? Like Godzilla consumed Japan?
X: Like a slow-moving molasses.
Me: We should sic sweaty balls on all things we wish would disappear. There’s a painting I created 8 or so years ago as a group project with other artists…..it sucked, and I mean hard like a black hole. It is still hanging somewhere with my name on it. Could sweaty balls take care of it for me?
X: Like I said… It’s all about the body temp.
Me: Hmmmmm. Well, that’s about all the conversation I can eek out of sweaty balls. Got anything else to add?
X: Visuals and lab experiments?! Sorry, I’m not totally focused on balls right now. Have you asked others?
Me: No, I reserve sweaty-ball email conversations for you. Oh, wait….Y may have something to add. Y? (I cc’d Y)
X: Oh no you didn’t…?!!
Me: Hey, I’m stressed. It’s OK for stressed people to go a little insane. Perfectly acceptable. Right, Y? (I cc’d Y again)

Later….
Y: As a refined sophisticate, I only partake of perspiration-laced balls, which would never consider temporarily adhering themselves to a frigid surface (other than mine).

Followed by….
Y: As a refined sophisticate, I only go a little insane, which is perfectly acceptable as you so astutely note.

Advertisements

Pointless quiz #1

Quiz time, my dear, sweet mm readers! :) I’ve taken mildly amusing slices of my life (or someone else’s) and turned them into a fabulously interactive bit o’fun for you. Guess the answers, if you wish, via the happy little comment tool.

(Updated 9/3/08 – Answers are asterisked in bold.)

1. What dialog came just before…. “Dude, I’d rather smell your butt”?

a. “What sort of toxic soup of chemicals are you spraying in your office? It’s making me gag.” ***
b. “Auugh! I really wish you’d stop microwaving broccoli for lunch.”
c. “Get those hot donuts out of here — I can’t be smelling yummy things! Don’t you know I’m on a diet?”

2. To what was a friend referring when s/he said, “I big-toed it down the drain”?

a. a giant centipede
b. dog excrement
c. human excrement ***

3. What was a co-worker doing in the hallway when I peeked outside my office and asked, “Hey, wouldn’t it be better if you blew yourself in your office?”

a. leaning forward, almost doubled over, with his back to me
b. testing a desk fan to see if it would blow an electrical circuit ***
c. blowing his face and neck with canned air

4. What was my response to…. “Come on, Lisa! I know he’s a dirty old man who’s almost 70, but he’s funny as hell and is worth millions. He owns five planes. He’s going to waste all that money on SOME woman, and it may as well be someone we like.”

a. “I don’t know….the last time I got involved with an older man, I ended up on TV wearing hot pink short shorts and a matching feather boa.”
b. “Um…isn’t he the one who has an anatomically-correct, inflatable sheep in his hangar?” ***
c. “Maybe. Do you think he would teach me to fly?”

5. To what was a co-worker referring when s/he e-mailed, “It was like a pilot light on my trash hole last night.”

a. yesterday’s spicy lunch ***
b. hemorrhoids
c. an inflamed zit in an unfortunate location

6. A friend almost got in trouble for doing something naughty at the beach. What did he do?

a. flirted with a buxom, Texan debutante who was accompanying her pistol-totin’ daddy on a business trip
b. buried a buddy’s 5-year-old son in the sand, sculpting the boy a giant, flaccid 3-ft penis ***
c. got drunk and, after an unpleasant conversation with his girlfriend back home, threw the hotel phone out the window….narrowly missing the hotel manger’s tiny, shiny bald head

7. Years ago, a co-worker laughingly threatened to sue me if I ever wrote a novel and incorporated a story she’d told me about her own childhood. What was it she used to do on warm, sunny days around age 6 or so?

a. go outside in the driveway, strip off all her clothes, and lie spread-eagled on the hot asphalt because she loved the heat against her skin ***
b. climb her favorite tree in the backyard, strip off all her clothes, and swing from her knees on the lower branches, pretending to be a monkey in the zoo
c. slip through the hedge to their neighbor’s yard, strip off all her clothes, and jump into the shin-deep kiddie pool, hoping that little Robbie would come out and play with her

8. Very recently I was told, “You could try the noodle. Some of the noodles are quite large, and, if you wanted, you could even blow them.” Naturally, that gave me a giggle — but what was I told immediately afterward which gave me a giggle FIT?

a. “Some people also suck the noodles.”
b. “Blowing them makes the noodles bigger.”
c. “Of course, it’s usually children who blow the noodles.” ***

Wig Day at work!

You think a creative department needs to be bored in order to invent and celebrate something called “Wig Day”? Pffft! It’s pretty darn interesting to see what types of stress-bustin’ diversions emerge when overworked, exhausted people decide that a little FUN is in order. Here I am with a few mm readers. In case any of them decide to run for political office one day, I’ve incorporated the ever-so-functional “rectangles of anonymity.” Can you guess which one is “S” and which one is “M”?

If you had a magic muffin….

Me: “If you had a magic muffin, what would it feel like going down?”
S: “You’re looking for blog material, aren’t you?”
Me: “Hey, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted a conversation. Work with me.”
S: “Well, let’s see. If I had a magic…..muffffin…..what would it feel like…..going down?”
Me: “Yep.”
S: [allowing a little time to lapse] “Hmmmmm.”
Me: “Oh, it’s not a hard question. Come on, there’s even a second part to it.”
S: “What’s the second part? That might help me answer the first part.”
Me: “What would happen after you ate it? I mean, it is magic, after all, right?”
S: “But that’s not logical.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
S: “The second part of the question wouldn’t necessarily be the logical next step. You said if a magic muffin ‘went down’…..that doesn’t mean that I ate it.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh. Good point. Well, I have another question.”
S: “What’s that?”
Me: “If you were redecorating a torture chamber, what sort of wallpaper would you choose?”
S: “Probably something spikey with a downward motion to it.”
Me: “Really? Not teddy bears?”
S: “No.”
Me: “I can’t believe you didn’t answer my magic muffin question.”
S: “There’s just so many directions I could go with that one.”
Me: “Well, I’m going to ask M at lunch. I’ll bet he’ll answer me.”

A bit later, while sitting in Panera with S and M …

Me: “I have a question.”
M: “What?”
S: “Oh, good Lord. Here she goes.”
M: “What?”
S: [rising out of his chair] “I need more to drink.”
Me: [grabbing S’s sleeve] “No, the question is for both of you! Don’t leave.”
S: [leaving the table in search of the soda machine] “I’m really thirsty. Ask M.”
Me: “If you had a magic muffin, what would it feel like going down?”
M: [staring at me, quizzically] “If I had a what?”
Me: “There’s a second part to the question.”
M: “What’s the second part?”
Me: “What would happen after you ate it?”
M: [chuckling and looking around the room as if beseeching others for help]
Me: “I mean, if it’s a magic muffin, something cool has to happen after you eat it. What would happen?”
M: “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.”
Me: “Mmmmm. OK. I have another question.”
M: “What?”
Me: “if you were redecorating a torture chamber, what sort of wallpaper would you choose?”
M: [chuckling] “A torture chamber?”
Me: “S said he would choose a spikey pattern that pointed downward.”
S: [coming back to the table, catching my last sentence] “Oh, I see she’s moved on to the next question.”
M: “Yes, she has.”
S: “You know, another wallpaper option would be a pattern based on those African penis idols.”
Me: “Huh?”
S: [flexing forearm and making a tight, hard fist] “You know, those idols with the giant….”
Me: “Ahhhhhh.”
S: “Of course, it would really depend on what sort of torture would be taking place.”
Me: “I see. What type of torture would the penis wallpaper imply?”
S: “Oh, just anything involving that particular body part.”
Me: “I was thinking teddy bears and kittens for the wallpaper.”
M: “Or beach scenes.”
Me: “Exactly. Something that takes you to your happy place.”
M: “Right.”
Me: “So do you guys have any questions?”
S: “Sure, I’ve got a question.”
Me: “Great!”
S: “If you redecorated your proctologist’s office, what wallpaper would you use?”
Me: “Pastel-colored popsicles.”
M: “What’s a proctologist?”
S: [looking at me for some unknown reason] “What’s a proctologist?”
Me: “Why are you looking at me?”
S: [looking at M] “Did you say ‘What’s a proctologist?'”
M: “Yes, what is it?”
S: “An ass doctor.”
M: [snort-laughing]
Me: “That’s why I said popsicles on the wallpaper. It’s cold, a convenient size…it would provide some relief, right?”

Did you notice that no one ever answered my magic muffin questions? It’s just plain WRONG when a girl can’t get her curiosity satisfied.

Just trying to turn you on

I don’t talk about music much, do I? I’ve thought about it, and even had a suggestion last year from a mm reader to review a CD every now and then. The problem with that approach is that I so rarely buy an entire CD nowadays — I’m quite happily entrenched in the iTunes per-song purchase model.

What I thought may be interesting instead is to turn you on to some cool artists I’ve found recently.

Low Motion Disco
I discovered this duo just by scopin’ the iTunes store. Their music — categorized as electronic, and almost entirely instrumental — is rich, multilayered, intricate, emotive. Perfectly perfect for piping over your Shuffle while cooling down in the gym. Great for lazy Sundays, too.

The Cat Empire
Caught “Voodoo Cowboy” on WNCW, and just had to hear more! Browsed through their offerings on iTunes, and within minutes I was the superdelighted owner of 7 songs from three different CDs. Many tunes have an upbeat, ultra-fun Squirrel Nut Zippers-ish vibe….others are just wide open and make you want to shake your booty with abandon….others are a bit slower, moody, and deliciously drunk. All are different and guaranteed NOT to induce any yawning.

Los Lonely Boys
Another great group I found by browsing iTunes. This Texas trio has an appreciatively diverse sound — their repertoire takes you from driving blues to Mexicali-esque happiness to just-plain-good body-bouncing beats. Compelling rhythms, all of them.

DJ Rekha
This woman was featured in an NPR interview which I caught one morning while getting ready for work. Intrigued by the funky, complex, worldbeat sound, I made it a point to look her up later, and wound up purchasing five tracks from the “Basement Bhangra” CD. The perfect venue in my particular universe? My pulsing, sweaty alone-time in the spinning-class studio. In another lifetime, it would’ve made kickin’ dance music.

Rufus Thomas
I’m a little embarrassed to admit I didn’t know this legend by name until Pandora directed my attention his way. I certainly recognized his music, though. Remember “Walking the Dog”? That’s him. He has another lesser-known but equally fun toe-tapping song called “Can Your Monkey Do the Dog?”. Ha!

Nouvelle Vague
This French group covers older songs, almost exclusively — I really like to hear a great new spin on an old favorite, and these guys hit the target almost every time. I first heard them in a TV commercial for the cable reality show “LA Ink.” It was a nearly unrecognizable, bouncy-and-cheerful version of Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself.” They’ve also remade more obscure songs — one of my faves is “Too Drunk to Fuck” because it makes me laugh.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑