Me: “If you had a magic muffin, what would it feel like going down?”
S: “You’re looking for blog material, aren’t you?”
Me: “Hey, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted a conversation. Work with me.”
S: “Well, let’s see. If I had a magic…..muffffin…..what would it feel like…..going down?”
Me: “Yep.”
S: [allowing a little time to lapse] “Hmmmmm.”
Me: “Oh, it’s not a hard question. Come on, there’s even a second part to it.”
S: “What’s the second part? That might help me answer the first part.”
Me: “What would happen after you ate it? I mean, it is magic, after all, right?”
S: “But that’s not logical.”
Me: “What do you mean?”
S: “The second part of the question wouldn’t necessarily be the logical next step. You said if a magic muffin ‘went down’…..that doesn’t mean that I ate it.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh. Good point. Well, I have another question.”
S: “What’s that?”
Me: “If you were redecorating a torture chamber, what sort of wallpaper would you choose?”
S: “Probably something spikey with a downward motion to it.”
Me: “Really? Not teddy bears?”
S: “No.”
Me: “I can’t believe you didn’t answer my magic muffin question.”
S: “There’s just so many directions I could go with that one.”
Me: “Well, I’m going to ask M at lunch. I’ll bet he’ll answer me.”

A bit later, while sitting in Panera with S and M …

Me: “I have a question.”
M: “What?”
S: “Oh, good Lord. Here she goes.”
M: “What?”
S: [rising out of his chair] “I need more to drink.”
Me: [grabbing S’s sleeve] “No, the question is for both of you! Don’t leave.”
S: [leaving the table in search of the soda machine] “I’m really thirsty. Ask M.”
Me: “If you had a magic muffin, what would it feel like going down?”
M: [staring at me, quizzically] “If I had a what?”
Me: “There’s a second part to the question.”
M: “What’s the second part?”
Me: “What would happen after you ate it?”
M: [chuckling and looking around the room as if beseeching others for help]
Me: “I mean, if it’s a magic muffin, something cool has to happen after you eat it. What would happen?”
M: “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it.”
Me: “Mmmmm. OK. I have another question.”
M: “What?”
Me: “if you were redecorating a torture chamber, what sort of wallpaper would you choose?”
M: [chuckling] “A torture chamber?”
Me: “S said he would choose a spikey pattern that pointed downward.”
S: [coming back to the table, catching my last sentence] “Oh, I see she’s moved on to the next question.”
M: “Yes, she has.”
S: “You know, another wallpaper option would be a pattern based on those African penis idols.”
Me: “Huh?”
S: [flexing forearm and making a tight, hard fist] “You know, those idols with the giant….”
Me: “Ahhhhhh.”
S: “Of course, it would really depend on what sort of torture would be taking place.”
Me: “I see. What type of torture would the penis wallpaper imply?”
S: “Oh, just anything involving that particular body part.”
Me: “I was thinking teddy bears and kittens for the wallpaper.”
M: “Or beach scenes.”
Me: “Exactly. Something that takes you to your happy place.”
M: “Right.”
Me: “So do you guys have any questions?”
S: “Sure, I’ve got a question.”
Me: “Great!”
S: “If you redecorated your proctologist’s office, what wallpaper would you use?”
Me: “Pastel-colored popsicles.”
M: “What’s a proctologist?”
S: [looking at me for some unknown reason] “What’s a proctologist?”
Me: “Why are you looking at me?”
S: [looking at M] “Did you say ‘What’s a proctologist?'”
M: “Yes, what is it?”
S: “An ass doctor.”
M: [snort-laughing]
Me: “That’s why I said popsicles on the wallpaper. It’s cold, a convenient size…it would provide some relief, right?”

Did you notice that no one ever answered my magic muffin questions? It’s just plain WRONG when a girl can’t get her curiosity satisfied.

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